Capt Jack & the Pirates Who Don't Do Anything
by Ghetto Outlaw
Summary: Captain Jack Sparrow meets the Pirates Who Don't Do Anything and almost accidentally turns sober. POTC  Veggie Tales crossover.


Jack slowly opened his eyes and blinked repeatedly in the blinding sun. His vision began to clear and he was soon able to discern that he was flat on his back on the deck of a ship. Gently, he rubbed his pounding temples which throbbed in time with the pitch and roll of the sea.

"Hey! Guys! He's waking up!" yelled a high-pitched, nasally voice.

Suddenly, Jack became aware of the sound of a number of figures rapidly approaching. Ignoring his painful head and sore muscles, he sprang to his feet and scrambled across the deck all the way to the edge of the starboard bow. Given the unusual sight before him, he seriously considered jumping overboard.

"Hi!" the curious trio that had him cornered chimed in unison.

Jack was seldom at a loss for words but he now found himself groping for the right thing to say. All he could manage was, "Which of you … which of you … is the captain of this vessel."

"I am!"

"You're … a … grape."

"Yep! I'm Pirate Pa," he replied.

"You're a gourd," Jack continued with the next member of the crew.

"Pirate Lunt, at your service," he said and bowed low.

"And you … you're a pickle."

"I'm Pirate Larry and … uhm … I'm a cucumber."

"Too right mate," Jack said apologetically. "Well, gentlemen, I am Captain Jack Sparrow." The three blinked at him uncomprehendingly. "I trust you've heard of me."

Pa, Lunt, and Larry looked and each other for a moment before finally shaking their heads. "Nope, nuh uh, sorry," they each said in turn.

"Well, I see. Kindly begging your pardon, but I was on a desert island, and now I'm on a ship. I don't suppose one of you vegetables … fruits … uh, gentlemen… could one of you tell me how I got here? Memory seems to have gone a bit fuzzy."

"You swam," Lunt offered.

"I swam?"

"Uh huh," Larry chimed in. "Boy, when you saw our ship, you started swimming like crazy!"

"I swam and nobody thought to come out in a life boat?"

"Well we thought about it," Pa began, "but you went to all that trouble swimming and all …"

"Yeah, and taking out the life boat would mean we'd have to do something," Larry interjected.

"And we are the pirates who don't do anything!" Lunt concluded.

"Anything?" Jack asked.

"Nope. Nothing. Nada!"

"Nevertheless, I am in your debt gentlemen for saving me from said desert island. I hate to impose further on your kindness but do you have anything to drink?"

A huge smile crept across Larry's face. "We sure do!"

Within an hour, the deck was littered with bottles. The four busied themselves singing The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything. Jack eagerly awaited his turn and when it finally arrived, he burst forth:

Oh!! I've never rode a turtle

And I don't use antiperspirant

And I've never had a beverage without any alcohol

I've never eaten cheese curls

And I don't know Mr. Twisty

And I've never been to Boston in the fall!

Cause we're the pirates who don't do anything

We just stay at home and lie around

And if you ask us to do anything

We'll just tell you … we don't do anything!

"This has to be one of the best drinks I've ever tried!" Jack said. "What is this amazing elixir?"

"Root beer," Lunt answered.

"Yeah, and the best part is that it's non-alcoholic!" Larry shouted.

"Non-alcoholic?" Jack asked.

"Yep!"

"As in no alcohol?"

"Yep!"

"So what you're saying … in essence … is that this drink has no intoxicating properties."

"Yep!"

Jack unceremoniously threw the bottle he held overboard, leapt to his feet, and jumped into the life boat on the opposite side of the ship. "My dear friends! I'm sorry but I must bid you farewell. Still, you will always remember this as the day you almost sobered Captain Jack Sparrow!" He lowered the boat into the water and made his escape with haste.

"Hey where does he think he's going?" Larry asked.

"Looks like he's headed toward Port Royal," Pa responded.

"Should we go after him and tell him that boat has a hole in it?" Lunt asked.

"No. He should be able to make it that far. Besides, that sounds like work."

"So what do we do now?"

"Uh … nothin'!" Larry exclaimed

Lunt smiled. "You, my friend, are a genius!"


End file.
